A Season of Reflection

As I write these words, my notebook computer is balanced on my lap and I'm sitting outside on my blue camp chair. It feels like a gift to sit outside, see the blue sky, and breathe fresh air. And for the third time in five weeks, we opened our windows!

With that, here's what I've been reflecting on:

Wildfires

“ . . . Climate Change is not a hoax. It is real and it is a fire-breathing dragon blowing fire at our doors.” —Terry Tempest Williams

After the wildfires began, we watched the sky turn red, orange, and black. Ash fell from the sky like a light snow fall. For over a month, the air quality has ranged from "unhealthy" to "hazardous." And the loss is unfathomable. Communities, homes, people, pets, and wildlife have perished across the west. Climate change is horrific. And, I'm hopeful that our global community will emerge from these times with greater empathy for one another, along with public policies that serve the public good.

Doomscrolling

Before the fires began, I spent 2 to 10 minutes a day reading the local and national news. When the fires began, I started doomscrolling. The side effects were increased anxiety and existential despair. Too much news is bad for my mental health, and yet, I find myself doomscrolling once a month. I’m determined to break this pattern. Last week, I started a news detox because I need to reset my mind. So far the break has been rejuvenating.

The Art of Repair

Earlier this week, I took an online class called The Art of Repair. It was taught by Molly Martin. Martin guided our class "through the traditional, mindful Japanese practice of reworking and repairing textiles through piecing, patching and stitching." It was such a lovely class! And in these crazy times, mending is a useful tool because it's a meditative practice. As Molly said, "By taking care of your clothes, you take care of yourself."

Movement

Consistently working out kept me sane during “normal” life, and it’s become essential during COVID and fire times. Currently, I love doing kettlebell workouts. Also, kettlebells are perfect tools for my tiny home gym. The kettlebells are easy to store and challenging to use. And that’s a good thing because I love interesting and hard workouts. I have a set of 25# and 35# kettlebells. And I might buy a set of 50# kettlebells for my birthday. Typically, I do four kettlebell workouts a week. When the air is good, I love pairing my workouts with short runs and walks.

Downsizing

My mom’s house is for sale! She’s been slowly downsizing for the past five years, but she has more stuff to giveaway and throw out. Over the next month, I’ll be helping my mom downsize. We will clean out her 2,220 square-foot home and two garages. Hopefully, my mom will move into a smaller home in the fall or winter. It’s a big transition; especially after living in the same home for over 20 years. My aim is to cheer her on during this process. Letting go is hard, and having support can make the process a little easier.

One Quote

“We have been living a myth. We have constructed a dream. We have cajoled and seduced ourselves into believing we are the center of all things; with plants and other sentient beings from ants to lizards to coyotes and grizzly bears, remaining subservient to our whims, desires, and needs. This is a lethal lie that will be seen by future generations as a grave, a grave moral sin committed and buried in the name of ignorance and arrogance.”

—Terry Tempest Williams

See you next week!

With gratitude,

Tammy

Notes on Incessant Thinking

Overall, my mental health has been good throughout the COVID crisis. Not last week, though. I got caught in a spiral of incessant thinking. The news about the fires—and the thick smoke—in Northern California pushed me into a state of despair.

One of my coping strategies during COVID times includes spending time outside. I love sitting on my front porch and taking nature walks. Not being able to go outside because of terrible air quality made me want to burst into tears.

Also, this is the fourth year California has experienced catastrophic fires, and it's only been a few years since Paradise—a neighboring community—was destroyed by fire. In short, fires scare me. They also make me wonder if I'm cut out for life in the golden state.

To get out of my negative thinking loop, I turned to teachers. First, I started reading Mo Gawdat's book—Solve for Happy. I’m about halfway through the book, and so far it's a good read. Gawdat writes about happiness, suffering, human blind spots, and more.

I found Gawdat's description of incessant thinking particularly helpful. Here's what he wrote:

“All the thinking in the world, until converted into action, has no impact on the reality of our lives. It does not change the events in anyway. The only impact it has is inside us, in the form of needless suffering and sadness. Anticipating awful things in the future or ruminating about awful moments from the past is not the useful, instructive, and unavoidable experience of everyday pain. The prolonged extension of pain is a serious bug in our system because: Suffering offers no benefit whatsoever. None."

This idea reminded me that self-induced suffering is optional, and the only things I can control are my actions and attitude.

I also revisited Byron Katie's writing and questions. Katie invites readers to do the following:

"Isolate one thought. Ask the four questions. Allow the genuine answers to arise."

Below are Katie's questions:

Q1. Is it true?

Q2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Q3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

Q4. Who would you be without that thought?

When I started working with these questions a few years ago, I wasn't sure if they would be helpful. Over the past year, I've applied these questions to various thoughts, and they've been incredibly useful.

Turning to teachers, like Katie and Gawdat, helped me drop my negative-thought loops. The pandemic isn't going away, and neither is the smoke. That's my current reality. I don't want to spend the next month, or longer, fighting reality and ruminating. I’d rather cultivate more joy in my daily life. That's not to say that I won't experience emotional lows in the future. After all, I'm not a robot.

Finally, Mary Pipher reminded me that it’s okay to feel all the feelings. Pipher is a clinical psychologist who specializes in women, trauma, and the effects of culture on mental health. I'm in the middle of her new book, and it's good!

I’ll leave you with a few ideas from Pipher’s book—Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents & Flourishing as We Age.

Pipher said, “I don’t recommend controlling our emotions, but rather listening to them. They are delivering information that is vital to our recovery. We want to fully experience our emotions in both our hearts and bodies. If we do this, we will gradually move toward healing and hope.”

Pipher goes on to talk about how despair “allows us to deeply appreciate our lives and savor our time.” In short, despair can facilitate growth. She said, “There is an ancient and almost universal cycle that involves trauma, despair, struggle, adaptation, and resolution. This is a deepening cycle that prepares us for whatever comes next. It opens our hearts to others and helps us feel grateful for every small pleasure.”

If you're struggling with negative thought loops or anxiety, I hope the books and ideas I shared above offer solace and support.

With gratitude,

Tammy

How I Sustain My Reading Life

I love to read books because they are a source of continuing inspiration and education. Books also allow me to travel to other places without leaving my home.

Interestingly, the COVID-19 crisis has improved my reading life. Before the pandemic, I was reading a book a week. During the pandemic, I’ve been reading two books a week (sometimes more).

As an example, here’s my July 2020 reading list:

1. How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

2. What the Eyes Don’t See by Mona Hanna-Attisha

3. The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory

4. Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

5. The Undocumented Americans by Karla Cornejo Villavicencio

6. A Round-Heeled Woman by Jane Juska

7. The Course of Love by Alain de Botton

8. How to Stop Time by Matt Haig

I use a few strategies to sustain my reading life. Here they are in no particular order:

— I try to alternate the topics I read about. For example, during July, I read two heavy books about racism and public policy back to back. I followed them up with a romance novel. Switching between heavy and light topics is a good balance. It gives me the mental energy to keep learning about racism, ageism, sexism, and more.

— I re-read books. For instance, I'll read How to Be an Antiracist again because it was dense and informative. I suspect that I'll take away even more life lessons when I read the book a second time.

—I cut back on my news intake. The amount of time I spend consuming the news is between 15 to 30 minutes per day, and I'd like to reduce that number. I'm aiming for a Pico Iyer approach to the news. Iyer is a travel writer, memoirist, and journalist. He only spends 2-5 minutes a day checking the news. Iyer noted that it's important to know what's going on in the world. And, you don't have to spend hours each day reading the news to make that happen. Instead of “doomscrolling,” I use my time to dig deeper into specific topics. Books are a great medium for going deep!

— I quit social media in early 2018. Then, I came back to Instagram in late 2018. Since then I've used the app lightly. I log on occasionally to see what friends have posted. I don't see myself using Instagram to share my creative work in the future. Not using Instagram has been good for my mental health and reading life.

— I only consume media I love. I'm not a big Netflix or movie watcher because reading books is my favorite form of media. Getting clear on what I enjoy consuming has saved me time and energy.

— I pay attention to my learning style. For example, I began the audio version of Stamped from The Beginning by Ibram X. Kendi, and I set it aside. I found myself wanting to flip back to certain sections of the book and read passages again. That's much easier to do with a paperback version.

— After I read an intense book, I take a reading break for a few days or longer. I'd like to incorporate more breaks into my reading routine. Being able to reflect on the material makes me a better reader and writer.

— If I don't like a book, I quit reading it. In the past, I'd force myself to read a book (even when I didn't enjoy it). No more! Life is too short to keep reading books that don't resonate with me.

And that’s it! I hope some of the tips above will help you sustain your reading life.

With gratitude,

Tammy

Adventures with Elaina

When I attended the Creative Writing Workshop at the Paris American Academy a few years ago, I learned about the craft of writing. One of our teachers—Rolf Potts—offered lots of practical writing advice that stuck with me. His thoughts on travel writing, journaling, and memoir have been particularly helpful. Regarding memoir Potts said, “Memoir isn’t non-fiction. It is fiction because it isn’t reported journalism.”

I agree with Rolf because my memory is terrible. That’s why I’m obsessed with journaling and recording my days in my logbook. Journaling about my daily life is important because it gives me a sense of what’s happened in a typical week, a month, and over the course of the year. When I revisit my old journal entries, I'm able to coalesce themes and collect story ideas. Then I use the ideas for non-fiction articles, micro-memoirs, memoir style essays, and books.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about how our cat Elaina came into our lives. I couldn’t remember all the details, and since my old journals are long gone, I couldn't use them as a source. Instead, I asked my husband, Logan, about his kitty adoption memories.

Here's a portion of the conversation we had last weekend:

“Did I lobby you for another cat after we got Christie?” I asked.

“Ohh yeah,” Logan said.

“Really?” I said.

“You lobbied for a cat before Christie, and you lobbied for another cat after we adopted Christie. And I thought it was going to continue on until we had a house full of cats,” Logan said.

I laughed because my memories of these shenanigans are fuzzy. Apparently, I really wanted a second cat. I was in luck because another kitten was about to come into our lives.

Stacy—a veterinarian student and our neighbor—found a litter of kittens in a cardboard box on the side of the road. She took the kittens home, made sure that their health was stable, and decided to foster them. And of course, I went to visit the kittens!

I fell in love with a small kitten named Alien. Stacy named the kitten Alien because her eyes were giant, and she looked like a cartoon cat. Alien was so wee that her body fit in the palm of my hand. She was all eyes, and she was snugly and sweet. Naturally, I told Logan about Alien when he got home from work.

After I brought Christie home, I promised Logan that I would not adopt another cat without him. We’d make the decision together. I convinced Logan to visit Stacy’s foster kittens. When we walked to her apartment, I lobbied hard to adopt Alien because "poor lonely Christie needed a friend."

Logan said, “I remember when we went over to Stacy’s apartment. Kittens were running around everywhere. They were climbing up the drapes, and another two were racing along the backside of the couch like little maniacs. I couldn't keep track of all the fuzzy little bodies. Alien walked over to you for a pet, and then she decided to come visit me. She subsequently fell asleep on my chest.”

“And then, you looked at me and nodded. I knew that we were going to take Alien home. You are such a sucker. I love you for that!” I said.

***

Alien was quickly renamed Elaina. I don’t know where the name Elaina came from, but it suited our new buddy.

Elaina explored our home in under one hour. She was a tiny detective. It took Christie weeks to feel safe enough to explore the bedrooms, kitchen, living room, closets, and bathroom. Christie was a skittish little kitten, not Elaina though.

Elaina exuded confidence, despite her wee size. She was so tiny that we made a special collar for her. Part of the collar retrofit included adding a bell. I almost stepped on Elaina a few times and was terrified that she’d get hurt. The bell was perfect because when Elaina wasn’t sleeping, we could hear her moving around the apartment.

Eventually, Elaina outgrew her small collar. Tiny—as we liked to call her—was anything but tiny. She was double the size of Christie the Cat. Elaina would beg for ice cream, treats, and eat all her kibble in one sitting. At one-point Elaina was so chubby, she couldn't clean her backside. That's a serious problem for a cat, and subsequently she went on a diet with timed feedings. I felt like a terrible cat parent! I shouldn’t have been giving Elaina so many treats. Plus, our veterinary told us not to free feed our cats, and we followed her advice. Thankfully, she slimmed down quickly.

Elaina loved living with us in rural Siskiyou County. She stalked lizards and mice, rolled in the dirt, flirted with fawns, befriended the neighbor dog, got stuck in trees, and followed up her activities by bringing dust into the house. We couldn’t resist her personality and snuggles. Elaina was a loving companion and adapted to all the different living situations we had over the years. Alas, Elaina and Christie were not best friends, like I hoped, but they tolerated one another well.

Elaina was diagnosed with cancer on January 26, 2018, and she died on October 25, 2018. Elaina’s death was hard to accept. But I’m thankful we had a long goodbye. We miss her snuggles, her meows, her big beautiful eyes, and her courageous nature.

Over the years, I took thousands of photos of Elaina. She would stare at the camera and pose for me. I'm grateful for the shots because they bring back good memories. Plus, the photos help me recall stories that I would have forgotten. My stories about Elaina might be slightly fictionalized, and that’s okay. Memoir isn’t non-fiction. But I don't need to write a journalistic article to show how much joy Elaina brought into our lives.

PS: Browse my favorites shots of Elaina the “tiny” cat here.

With gratitude,

Tammy

When Your Marriage (and Cat) Turn 17-Years-Old

The specifics of my fight with Logan are unclear. I remember that it revolved around him working too many hours on my birthday. At the time, we’d been married for about 5 months. Logan was in a Ph.D. program, and I was working in the investment management industry.

The day after our fight, I went to work and called a friend at lunch to talk. During our conversation, the idea of adopting a cat came up. Starting my new year with a fuzzy friend seemed like a great idea.

I should point out that I didn’t talk to Logan about this bright idea because I was still upset after our argument. This wasn’t smart, but the kitten adoption mission was set in motion.

Before we got off the phone, my girlfriend said she would research local adopt-a-cat organizations. Later in the day, she contacted me and said that she found a family who was fostering kittens near my office. I was beyond excited!

After I finished my work day, we went to play with the kittens. Christie, a small Tortoiseshell kitten, was the only baby in the litter who engaged with us. She was about 5 months old, a little skittish, beautiful, and sweet. I fell in love with Christie, and she came home with me that evening.

When I got home, I brought Christie inside. She was in a cat carrier that I put in the hallway. Then I walked outside to make a quick phone call.

When I came back into the apartment Logan asked, “Is there a cat in the carrier?”

“Of course!” I said.

Christie was scared, so she burrowed under the blankets in the back of the carrier. Logan couldn’t see Christie, so he assumed there was no way I’d bring a kitten home without his consent. He was wrong and a little upset with me.

We finally coaxed Christie out of the carrier and she sat with us on the couch and relaxed. Over the next few weeks, she settled into life with us. I’m thankful that Logan fell in love with Christie; especially since I brought her home without warning.

At 23-years-old, I lacked emotional intelligence, and I’d argue, common sense. We joke that Christie is the cat who almost caused a divorce. It’s a good thing she’s cute, and that Logan has patience with me.

***

As I write this letter, COVID-19 cases continue to rise in the U.S. I’m angry, sad, and disappointed that the pandemic has been politicized. A few things that keep me calm include kettlebell workouts, long talks with Logan, and snuggles with Christie.

Christie looks at me with a funny expression when I want to scream or cry because of the bad news I've consumed. She reminds me to breathe, take naps, and to relax. Christie is also happy we’re home all the time. She continues to boss us around with her cute meows and tail vibrations.

Christie will be 17-years-old in a few days, and Logan and I will celebrate a milestone — 17 years of marriage. It’s crazy to think we’ve been together for so long. And, I’m thankful we've been good quarantine buddies. There have been no fights. Just snuggles and gratitude.

With gratitude,

Tammy